Tuesday, December 23, 2014

2014 Holiday Gift Guide: Jemmy and Zhaoyun

Jemmy's Weird Wide World of Wonderment

1. For Those Who See President Obama as a True Superhero...

Yes, we can. We can see our president in saving the world without even breaking a sweat. We can see our president battling evil ninja, wielding samurai swords or even lightsabers, and fighting his old nemesis, Darth Vader. We can see our president whip out a gun, or even an ooze, as he takes down the latest drug lord. We can see him combating all the nation's, nay, the world's ills, and witness the rise to greatness of toydom everywhere. Yes we can.

In all honesty, this might be a tough one to get. This was made by Japanese company Gamu Toys in 2009, and as far as I can tell, they have never assigned a price to it. For more details (for those of you interested in learning Japanese), check out Gamu-Toys Super Obama.  

**Incidentally, Zhaoyun just informed me that this action figure was in his 2013 gift guide. Great minds think alike!

2. For Those Who Love Hodor a Bit Too Much... 

Yes, Hodor has always been my favorite character in GRRM's masterpiece. After all, what character in modern fantasy can possibly match the wit and panache of Westeros's most poignantly lovable giant? The man has a comeback for everything, and has a knack for explaining very difficult concepts using one brilliant word: Hodor. Brevity, as they say, is the sole of wit. And Hodor has brevity in spades...
 Hodor is even known for making truly meaningful haikus. My favorite? Of course, it's this one:

Hodor Hodor Ho-
   dor Hodor Hodor Hodor
Hodor Hodor Ho. 

No Westeros collection is complete without a T-shirt to remind us of the best character in the series...

3. For Those Who Want to Send a Bit of a Surprise...
Okay, now this is not really a gift I recommend getting for... er... well... anyone. But if somebody has irritated you enough, then why not let them spend their holiday season knowing full well how you think of them... all for the low price of US$16.95? Feel free to make use of Shitexpress, a company that specializes in sending its namesake: a piece of shit in a box. Heck, they will even include the animal excrement of your choice! Remember, there's nothing that will ever say "Surprise!" like a steaming pile of shit, straight from China.    

Incidentally, they accept bitcoin, which makes this the first service that will actually sell you shit for bitcoin. Checkout a review of shitexpress at Motherboard.

Holiday Gift Guide — Zhaoyun

In search of that truly quirky masterpiece of a holiday gift? Want something that is both funny and bitingly sardonic? Look no further than this year's Fantabulous Holiday Gift Guide!

1) Toilet Shots

Is your life going down the crapper? Are all your hopes and dreams slowly circling the drain? Then it's time to drink, and not from just any shot-glass. How about a glass that perfectly symbolizes your current existential crisis? (Alternatively, you could give this set of two to a set of two friends of yours whose lowest-common-denominator existence you wish to mock!)


Buy it here!

2) Combination sunglasses/safety glasses that shut out all the light of the world

Reviews claim you can still see with these on, despite the impressive matte black finish, but with these glasses, it's not about what you can see, it's about what everyone else can't—your eyes, two lifeless puppies sunk deep in the lethargy of despair after being kicked by the world one too many times. Plus, they double as safety glasses to handle all your slicing and chopping needs! I'm definitely buying a pair this holiday season...and in all seriousness, they look pretty cool, not to mention the glorious feeling of total anonymity. I could be napping for all you know, suckahs!

Lifeless puppy-dog eyes not included.

Buy them here.

3) Bacon Band-aids

What could possibly go together better than America's favorite fat-tastic breakfast food and boo-boos? Though sadly not made of actual bacon, this simulated experience of laying greasy slabs of pig on your open wounds is sure to please just about anybody! For the perfect trifecta, get your bacon-loving lover/relative bacon balm and, for the best balance between taste and dental care around, the bacon-flavored toothpaste! And you can put all these gifts in the ultimate gift bag! But hold on, naysayers. I realize some of us are vegetarians and/or find pigs distasteful (literally—bam!), which is why, as a special courtesy in honor of the holiday season, tree-hugging vegan hippies like you can enjoy the mac and cheese band-aids instead! What's that? Think mac and cheese is a no-no for vegans? Think again, Bah Humbuggers—what about the "cheese" in mac and cheese possibly convinced you it was made from milk (or indeed, anything other than the sort of chemicals that gave the Joker his poker-face)?

And that, friends, is the true meaning of Christmas!

No, I didn't forget about gifts for kids—as proof, here's the best-tasting formula imaginable!

Buy the bacon band-aids here, or if you're a Jainist, the mac and cheese ones!