Saturday, April 14, 2012

Micro Review [Film]: The Iron Rose

[ed: This one comes courtesy of Vance from LA indie/folk band Scifi Romance.





The Meat

Here's a tip if you meet a French girl with a nice rack and convince her to meet you for a sex romp in a crypt the next day: check the cemetery hours, and set an alarm. Otherwise, as The Iron Rose informs us, you're in for a night trapped in the cemetery, occasional tumbles into open pits full of bones, premature burial, a little bit of dancing, naked time on a fantasy beach, and crepes (probably).

The cable guide listed The Iron Rose as a horror film, but it's not. Although...it is set in a cemetery, and since you can't put "Just a movie" as the genre, I guess "horror" was as good as anything. The thing is, though, on some level it really works. Probably because it's in French -  really the only acceptable language for visual mood poems.


The Math  

Objective Quality: 3/10

Bonuses: +1, random clown walking through the cemetery delivering flowers; +1, inexplicable second sex romp on a pile of skulls after beating each other with grave markers; +1, a surprisingly solid descent into madness; +1, the score, which is a bunch of reverbed-out clangs, panting, and baby-talk; +1, Francoise Pascal; +1, Francoise Pascal again, because man is she beautiful

Penalties: -1, Francoise is supposedly a professional dancer, but when she has her big crazy solo through the headstones, she looks more like a professional vertigo sufferer. Just say she's a photography student and be done with it.

Cult Value Coefficient: 8/10 ]

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