Francis Ford Coppola's first film in 13 years is ambitious, messy, cheesy at times, confusing, breathtaking, and weird as hell. Is it fun? Oh yes. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. Is it worth seeing? I'm not sure.
I had many thoughts during this 2 hour and 20 minute movie. They include:
- Is this the same man that directed the back-to-back Oscar-winning Godfather movies?
- Is that eyebrowless man... Shia LaBeouf? (It was, and it took me an hour to recognize him.)
- Why is Jason Schwartzmann just wandering around here? (Oh, Talia Shire is here, and that's his mom.)
- Is Adam Driver handsome or is he just tall?
- Do I just want to get up and walk out right now?
- Why are there essentially PowerPoint slides and historical quotes scattered throughout this film? (To call it didactic would be the understatement of the year.)
Needless to say, Megalopolis has a lot going on in it. It's been rumbling around in Francis Ford Coppola's head since the 1970s, and he only just now managed to make it because sold off $100ish million from his winery business to finance it. It would be easy to just say "it sucked!" like nearly everyone else online is doing, but there's so much happening in this movie that that would be doing it a disservice. It's hard to even form cogent thoughts around it because they all bleed into each other, reflecting the countless inspirations and influences.
If I had to pick Coppola's Letterboxd top four while he was making Megalopolis, they'd be: Batman Forever, Caligula, The Hunger Games, and The Fountainhead.
The high-level plot
Caesar Catilina (Adam Driver) is a brilliant designer looking to transform his city of New Rome, but at every turn he's stopped by the mayor Cicero (Giancarlo Esposito). Catilina is a genius that can stop time (which is used mainly as a little treat to do things like kiss on precariously dangling construction beams off of the Chrysler building, where his office is).
That's the main plot, as bare as I can make it. Where the story gets confusing is all of the side plots Coppola manages to squish into it, and these include:
- A dead wife mystery haunting Catilina
- A teen singer scandal / rebranding effort à la Jo Jo Siwa
- A family drama involving a boner joke and an old-timey bow and arrow
- A hostile bank takeover
- A dangerous USSR satellite falling out of orbit and destroying New Rome
- A love story between Catilina and Julie, Cicero's daughter played by Nathalie Emmanuel, who I most instantly recognized as Misandei from Game of Thrones.
- A science story involving megalon, a new material that can do... basically anything?
The characters
The characters are, arguably, the most interesting part of this movie, and even that's not enough to save it. Every single person is acting like they're in a different movie. This includes the old veterans like Jon Voight, Dustin Huffman, Talia Shire, Laurence Fishburne, and Esposito. But it's also got younger folks ranging from Driver and Schwartzman to Aubrey Plaza.
Speaking of—Aubrey Plaza is an absolute high point of this movie. She plays a conniving, ambitious reporter named Wow Platinum, and she manages to sleep her way to power through various leaders in the film. It's a fascinating role for her, and very, very funny.
Every one is depraved, and like their ancient Roman inspiration, power- hungry and angry. At one point, there's a wedding held at the Colosseum (which is just Madison Square Garden), and the audience just watches while the patrician fancy folk celebrate on stage. Megalopolis is indeed intended as a cautionary tale about the excesses of a society's waning days, and this sort of attraction is something I could definitely see happen in America even right now.
How to fix this movie
First off, we have to reshoot this in technicolor. I'm talking about old-timey, super colorful, kinda grainy technicolor. This movie just feels old-fashioned, and I'm not sure why. Maybe its the hokey dialogue, or the Art Deco flourishes. While we're at it, let's give them all transatlantic accents.
Honestly? Maybe make it a musical! Every thing seems so over the top and emotionally pregnant that these people need an outlet!
If we're going to have a little magical realism, we need to go all in. Catilina can stop time, the statues can move, clouds reach out and grab the moon. It's unclear whether these are in a character's head or not. Let's make it REAL weird and go full magical realism.
Next, we're going to cut at least half the subplots. Let's focus more on Adam Driver's character. I could watch this man recite the phone book. And basically, he does—he recites on screen in the first few minutes of Hamlet's entire "To be or not to be" speech. And not just the fun first lines; he goes all the way to the proud man's contumely and bare bodkin parts.
Final thoughts
I still feel strangely compelled to defend this movie a little bit. Maybe that's the Stockholm syndrome talking, I'm not sure. I can say without hesitation that I've definitely never seen anything like it. Will I watch it again? On TV sure, so I can try to understand this bloated beast a little better.
The Math
Baseline Score: 6/10.
Bonuses: The cast is superb; the amount of time spent in the Chrysler building made me happy; I will always, always celebrate new stories versus just having another Spider-Man reboot.
Penalties: Too many to list.
POSTED BY: Haley Zapal is a lawyer-turned-copywriter living in Atlanta, Georgia. A co-host of Hugo Award-winning podcast Hugo, Girl!, she posts on Instagram as @cestlahaley. She loves nautical fiction, growing corn and giving them pun names like Timothee Chalamaize, and thinking about fried chicken.
