Ghost of Movies Yet-to-Come: A Letter to 1997

Twenty years ago this week, I graduated from high school and began preparing to head off into the wilds of film school. I was in love with Alfred Hitchcock and Ingmar Bergman and Sam Raimi, and the recent huge successes of completely independent, micro-budget films like El Mariachi and Clerks made the idea of heading off to Austin and then onto exciting, indie film success seem like a genuine possibility...to an 18-year-old. I had no idea that the film industry was about to start going through a massive revolution, many seeds of which were being planted right there in 1997. So I thought I'd write 1997-me a letter, giving a glimpse of what lies ahead. I'm reminded of Doc Brown's incredulity when Marty McFly tells him Ronald Reagan is president of the United States in 1985. I assume 1997-me would be equally incredulous about much of I have to tell him. Yet off I go, into the Wayback Machine...

Hey, 1997-me.

What's up? It's me. 2017-you. This is the future where I am, and I've got some future-news for you. Might help out as you get ready to embark on a journey in an industry you fundamentally do not understand at all. But that's cool — but that's cool. Even if you understood it perfectly at this very moment, some stuff's about to go down that's going to completely change all the ground rules. So I want to help out.

Here's my advice. Skip the sad indie film scripts you're about to start writing. Just forget them. Skip ahead to the time travel one. I'm not sure if you've thought of that one yet, but that one's fun. When you do think of it, call up Cameron, your friend who can draw super-good, and make it as a comic book. Don't try to shoot it. Don't drive around in the countryside and find an Old West town and drag your friends out there when it's 115 degrees and try to shoot it. Stop. Just make the comic.

Because something weird's about to happen: nerds are about to become big, big business. And comics are about to become the one medium to rule them all, the one medium to find them; the one medium to bring them all, and in the box office, bind them.

I know you're scoffing at this. I don't blame you. Because you're right, George Clooney just killed Batman. Batman and Robin will be the last of the Batman movies...for, almost, ten years. Then they're going to do this thing called "rebooting," where they're going to take a Mulligan on Keaton-Kilmer-Clooney, and start over with a British guy directing, another British guy playing Bruce Wayne, and playing Batman like Chris Barnes from Cannibal Corpse. The voice is going to be weird. You'll like it, because metal, but other people...not so much. They're going to make fun of it a lot on the internet.

Oh yeah. The internet. That's going to be...there isn't time.

Then, after those guys make three really good Batman movies, they're going to stop, and then new people are going to come in immediately after, reboot it again, and start making way more Batman movies. Seriously, right away. With the guy from Good Will Hunting. The dumb one, in that movie. I should tell you, though...no, I can't. I don't have the heart to tell you what happens to Robin Williams.

Remember, a couple of months ago, how you were so excited because Star Wars was back in theaters, but then you left those movies all sort of confused inside? Well, I got some good news and some bad news for you, buddy. George Lucas is going to make three more, brand new Star Wars movies. And man, they're going to blow. Remember how cool "The Clone Wars" sounded when Obi-Wan talked about them? Turns out they were super goddamn lame. Until we got to see them in cartoon form, and then they were pretty cool. But then, Disney of all people, will pay George Lucas more money than God to literally never touch Star Wars ever again, and then shit's going to get real. New Star Wars ever year, from now on. We're still riding the wave, and so far it's pretty cool. We'll see what happens, though. 2037-me may have some bad news for both of us.

Right about the time you're getting out of film school, the Big Thing is going to happen. And the big thing is this: Hollywood will finally understand that Sam Raimi is the best, and they will give him money, and he will make Spider-Man. It will break all the records. It will be badass. They will let him make Spider-Man 2 and it will be equally badass. Spider-Man 3 will really, really suck, and they'll reboot it. And that'll suck, and they'll reboot it again. We're waiting to see how that goes.

Here's why this is important: When 1997 comes to a close, and your mom is doing all your laundry over Christmas break, 16 movies will have made $100 million or more at the domestic box office. That's a lot, right? Total domestic box office of over $6 billion — Billion! 2016 just ended over here and it was...come on present-me, stick to movies, stick to movies...so I've got the numbers right here, and 30 movies crossed $100 million domestically. Total domestic box office? Over $11 billion. Six of those movies will be comic book movies, and most of the rest are cartoons.

Those David Mamet movies you like so much? The ones where people talk and stuff? What I want you to do is not watch those anymore. Just go read comics. Then make comics. Then, maybe learn to draw and start animating your comics. I'm telling you.

Oh...last thing. Don't worry about it. You will, I promise, eventually have sex. I promise.

Signing off, 
Vance K — cult film reviewer and co-editor of nerds of a feather, flock together since 2012 (it's an internet thing, just trust me), Emmy-winning producer (I know, it surprised me, too), and folk musician (really...but I still play drums, too, so don't freak out too much).

Best Cinematic Comic Adaptation Tournament Final

I have a theory.

To me, there is no question that Akira is a better movie than Tim Burton's Batman. But there was a big spike in voting over the weekend — the weekend Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice opened nationwide — and the DC/International poll received over twice as many total votes as the Marvel/Indie poll. I think our readers were looking back at an earlier time, and fondly. A time when nobody believed superhero movies could work. A time when no one thought the four-color, pulpy adventures of people in capes and tall boots could be taken seriously or told in a serious way. A time when somebody with a clear, outsider vision could prove to the world it was ok to like comic books and believe in heroes.

Probably more than anything else, Tim Burton's Batman paved the way for the cinematic universe we all currently inhabit. And so for that reason, maybe it does belong in the final. And look, it was probably always going to end in Marvel vs. DC, anyway. So have at it, kids.


Previous rounds here, here, here, here, and here.

Batman v. Superman: Reactions in Haiku

Many of the nerds of a feather left the nest this weekend to see Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. After comparing notes, though, we felt it had already been savaged by enough critics, so how to respond to the collective shrug we all felt after nearly three hours of yawning?

With haiku, naturally.

We give you, then, our reactions to DC/Warner Bros. Avengers remake via our terrible impressions of an ancient literary artform.

You can't see it in the picture, but they're both punching the audience.

I took a stab at a more traditional review, just shorter:

Bats and Supes and Lex
Nothing in that whole movie
Made a drop of sense.

Mike chose particular moments in the film to respond to:

Bruce Wayne is sleepy
Please wake up, Bruce! Wake up, Bruce!
Your dreams really suck

...and...

You are not my friend
Your mom's name is Martha too?
Let's work together

That last particular plot point was echoed by Zhaoyun:

Benry fight a lot
What could make Subatman one?
Jesse and Martha

This prompted English Scribbler to weigh in on the nature of our haiku, with a dubious haiku of his own:

Spoiler-filled these haiku are
Is Affleck wearing a Wonderbra?

Affleck, of course, was the big question heading into the weekend, which I answered:

Sure, Affleck is fine
But can Eisenberg's face stop
Twitching all the time?

Tia took a broader view of things:

Leave it to these two
To sour the debut of
New Wonder Woman

...as did English Scribbler...

Big crass smash
The grumpy boys clash
Studio takes all our cash

While our editor-in-chief, The G, opted out entirely.

I did not see it
And I will never see it
Better shit to do.

And Dean made a suggestion for those who made the same call:

Vote with your money
Why not go see Zootopia?
It has a real plot

And while I understand that when we decide to review movies in haiku we're all winners, in a more literal sense, Charles was the winner. Because he gave us this:

Their faces so close,
lips ache, capes touch in shadow.
Why so serious?

Posted by Vance K, co-editor of nerds of a feather, flock together since 2012. Written by the team.

Thursday Morning Superhero

Later this evening I will make a trip to the Alamo Drafthouse and go see Batman v. Superman.  I have avoided spoilers, but have had a hard time avoiding the trailers that leave a lot to be desired.  Wonder Woman is my only hope, as she has yet to disappoint from the footage I have seen so far.  I am going into the film with an open mind and hope it is good.  From what my buddy has been telling me the ratings on Rotten Tomatoes haven't been kind.  Wish me luck.

Pick of the Week:
Star Wars #17 - All I can say about this issue is that it was a lot of fun.  The attempted breakout on the Sunspot Prison turns out to be a serial killer's plot to eradicate the scum that are imprisoned there.  He has no plans to release anyone, only to kill them as he feels they deserve.  Leia doesn't stand for that, but stands little chance in taking control back.  If only there was someone there she could team up with to help.  Hmmmmm.  There is a certain Dr. who works for Vader that would make quite the teammate.  Cue me shaking with excitement for issue #18.  Oh yeah, Luke and Han are smuggling some sort of buffalo and run into Imperial forces.  I've said it many times before, but Marvel's new run with Star Wars is must read material for any fan.

The Rest:
Batman #50 - Bruce Wayne is officially Batman once again in this epic plus-sized issue that is the conclusion in the current arc.  We finally get the showdown between the real Batman and Bloom and it doesn't disappoint.  One of the things I have always liked about Batman is that it always seemed plausible, and while this arc went far beyond that, Bloom was a great villain and the conclusion featured Joker and Batman mechs, the power of magnets, and what appears to be a return to the classic Batman we all know and love.  Not my favorite arc, but an enjoyable one nonetheless.



Obi-Wan & Anakin #3 - Things got really interested towards the end of this issue.  Mother Pran and Kolara, two of the people who are assisting Obi-Wan and Anakin track down the source of the distress call, have taken an interest in Anakin and his ability to fix things.  This relationship is interesting and really takes the story in an interesting direction that has me finally hooked on this title.  Charles Soule also provided a nice view of the beginning of Anakin's corruption.  Palpatine pulls back the curtain on the corruption of politicians in this flash back, which seems all too appropriate with the current presidential race.  It has been fun to see the beginning of the end of Anakin, but the main story is finally taking center stage.



POSTED BY MIKE N. aka Victor Domashev -- comic guy, proudly raising nerdy kids, and Nerds of a Feather contributor since 2012.