Friday, November 30, 2012

Lord of the Whinge: Annual Mockery

It's one of my winter traditions to watch the extended edition of the Lord of the Rings movies when there's first sticking snow on the ground. It's one of the ways that I trick myself into looking forward to winter, and it's awesome that this year it's right in time for the release of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (in theaters December 15).

Now that I've seen the movies a billion times, the joy of watching them has devolved into pitiless mockery of the characters and actors I hate to love and love to hate. Here are the characters/performances I won't miss watching The Hobbit.

With time, Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn finally grew on me. Originally I hated his whiny, nasaly, annoying voice ("You cannot wield it!"), but the moment I always fall back in love with him? Return of the King: Elrond arrives at camp before the battle at Minas Tirith to present reforged blade, and Aragorn just WHIPS that sucker out. Like a boss. Nay! Like a king. He shouldn't skipped the song at his coronation though; Billy Boyd's Pippin is a hard act to follow.

Elijah Wood is the worst fake giggler ever. But the scene that really kills me is when Shelob pokes him in the gut. There's a close up of Frodo frothing at the mouth, and all I can think about when I watch it is how much I want to punch him. Sorry, I've always hated Elijah Wood.

She's the most badly adapted character -- more of a hodge podge, really -- but Miranda Otto's Eowyn is comically bad for about 90% of her screen time. I will blame the extended editions for some of this, as a couple of the extra scenes are pointless besides adding to the incredibly awkward and (seriously, girl, duh) one-sided romance with Aragorn. Leave the love triangle to Twlight, and Eowyn can have her forced consolation romance with Faramir. (Had they ever even met?)

She's whiny, petulant, and -- and I know this is mean -- has the biggest forehead in the world, but she is awesome for four words in the whole trilogy: "I am no man." I just can't understand why someone with hair that long would braid it or throw it up into a pony before going to war. The best thing going for Eowyn is her foxy brother Eomer. I guess dirty horselords do it for me.